Pins by Claudia Serino

I like to think of each person’s universe as being supported by pins. Hundreds of little pins carefully selected and placed to support the life you have chosen and help obtain its balance. So what are we to do when one of these crucial pins are removed? When our world goes hurling into chaos and crashes into the land of unknown? Abandonment is a fundamental fear. Abandonment: when a part of our daily routine is no longer a part of us, and we must scramble to find a replacement pin. Yes, everything is a little too fragile. Pins are too delicate. With the gentle breeze that comes from the front door closing as you leave, my today is blown away.

“Char! Come say goodbye now, we’re headed out the door.”

I say nothing. If I don’t move, will it still happen? My body refuses to accept the truth that my mind already knows. If I don’t move, maybe it will go away. Maybe he will stay. Maybe he will stay. “Char, I mean it. If we don’t get on the road now we’ll be hit by a shit ton of traffic.” I dig my head deeper into my pillow. Consuming myself in darkness, as if trying to bury my thoughts, my fears. If I don’t move, it won’t happen.

I hear a knock on my door.

“Char?” I recognize the deep but calm voice. One that my body knows just as well as my brain as we were both soothed instantly. I push deeper into the pillow. I hear my door open, and his soft footsteps near my bed. He sits directly on the lump that I have become. I can’t help but laugh. Damnit. He’s won already. He can’t know I can’t be mad at him, he must know I’m sad. “Hey char, I know you wanna say goodbye. Come on.”

 

Charlie relies on him. Charlie needs him for when her hands gets hot, and her head gets dizzy, and her eyes pierce with tears. Out of everyone who has woven in and out of her life, knocking down her pins and crashing her universe, he was the only one who needs to stay. He needs to help clean up. He needs to stay.

 

I realize if I don’t move, he’s still going to move. All the way to Maryland. All the way to Maryland, it might as well be another planet. Creating empty holes that pins once filled.

I’ll adapt. I always do.

“Bye Char, call me if you need anything!”

She needs everything.

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